Shattering testimony of Christelle

This testimony has been sent me by Christelle, and published to his/her/its demand on this site. I preferred to let it as is because I find it shattering. Under smileys and the small teasings, one always feels the suffering present. Let's hope that the possibility qu 'elle has had to speak the things is one catharsis that permits to externalize the buried sufferings.


It is a first draft, I will ask my mother for a few enlightenments about the exact chronology because I was very young (8 years) when that began. I will confess honestly that this experience to for me summer source of sufferings it is why my memory plays me quite a lot of tower because I endeavored to forget. But I feel that that to make me of the good to speak of it to people (another one that my mother) that will be able to understand me, very udder to others that will take me for an impious ;-)

We moved in in Mulhouse in 1981 and in 1982 I expressed the desire to make my first communion. There were meetings of info for the parents and he/it seems me that they asked for the volunteers to prepare the children to the first communion. I believe that it is like that that mom was cathéchiste for child. The preparation to the private communion spread on all year school and started a short time after the beginning of the school year, nearly at the same time as the cathéchèses for adults of the cnc. It is like that that a beautiful evening to 19h the priest of our parish came to sound to our door to invite my parents personally to follow this cathéchèse while arguing on the fact that it was a good preparation to be cathéchiste for child and that it would be better a to come with me in my Christian's life.

It is like that that that began.

I had 8 years and half, my brother S., had 7 and my s.ur A. of it-S. 4. 2 soir/semaines we were home alone of 20h to 22h30-23h during 2 months. Not obvious to see his/her/its parents leaving like that, especially that mom.. I don't want to make cry in the thatched cottages, but my young s.ur was nearly every time in tear.

Bad lack of bowl for us, children, at the end of the convivence my parents have been elected responsible for their community. It was J. , D. and F. of the people cathéchisés by very Kiko that gave that cathéchèse. I know that they have been honored and related fiers(mes) of this "mandate." Give yourselves account, them that didn't have any diplomas, my father ex darling, my mother "just" mother to the home. To be responsible, that gave the importance! And then, everybody was so considerate, "near", that changed what one had known in the past (it is not very easy to make his/her/its hole in Alsace) for them, they had succeeded in recreating itself/themselves one cloths social. Welcome in the 2 ème community of Mulhouse (2 ème at the time, there were some fusions thereafter)

Nevertheless to be responsible that meant to learn how to prepare the celebration of the speech (and to prepare it), to attend this celebration, idem for the Eucharist, and this counterpart again 2 long months. And us, children, always only home during that time. There been a convivence then (that they have to prepare it also) during which had the drawing for the calendar of the preparations. and when the "simple" brothers withdraw for a preparation, that who is who glues itself of it? The persons responsible or the co, of course!!!!

Very quickly the family's life was dictated by the rhythm of the preparations, of the celebrations, of the convivences. The only people that we knew were only people of the path.

My parents were going to pass their pleasure by the DDASS, then they got in quest of a bigger apartment. And as by chance, a brother of the 1st community to push the demand for the lodging that my parents coveted. I remain convinced that it is because we were also we in the path that the brother (cnc) and colleague of work of my father to fact qq thing in our favor, because my father didn't have enough level to pretend to this lodging of function.

And there was the first national convivence then in Vichy (1983). Us (the children) were dispatchés at brothers of the first community that (it is necessary to say it) my parents knew indeed very little. And gives back it then. It is in that period that my mother and a brother were of affinities (the couple of my parents beat the wing long before their entry in the path) and what had to arrive, arrived: they had a link stippled some together. The brother in question was at the same time in marital life (hey vi, that to makes to creak of the teeth and to sink some tears that as) with a s.ur of the cn.

To the first vote the 2 ème cn and the first of Mulhouse merged, already that delighted not too much, but in more my parents one been reelected responsible, to the big damns persons responsible of the old 1st cn who didn't understand too pkoi they "were retrogressed" to the roles of co, them Christian practicing of father in son and older in the movement. It is also at the time of this convivence that the community to known that they had made a mistake. Scandals, tears and screams. We had been sent at our grandparents in Langres for that convivence, but I can tell you that it was not happy when our parents came to recover us. And a short time after the first vote, my parents are himself each to rid an object to which they held that they sold and gave the coins to that they wanted in the respect of the order. Nevertheless. Nevertheless I knew I don't know anymore how, how much mom could have pulled from her gold bracelet the only thing of value that she had with her/its alliance. Nevertheless in 1984 I had beautiful to have 10 years only, but I saw the clothes that we wore well, what we had in the plate and that that me I will have made some these 700 francs!!!! Yes 700 francs in 1984! I don't remember the object of which my father separated on the other hand.

After the first vote, again another rough period for us (children) and for my parents I imagine also: the themes. Again 2 long months staked out of long preparations of the celebration of the speech. Or a word or theme shell completely and I will say interpreted even. Ex : the tree and one raises and turns in all senses all verses concerning this mot/thème, the work on which is based the preparation of the speech is if my memories are good the theological dictionary of Léon Dufour (that one calls between brother the "Dufour"), according to the landed theme, I know that they use counseled other works as the fiorettis of François saint of foundation (myself I was an adept, but I knew how to save me from there before).

Enter time mom got to the guitar. In addition to make the preparations, to prepare the monitions, the universal prayers, was necessary in more to learn and to repeat the songs. The fundamental time was decreased once again.

As my parents try somehow and in spite of their shortcomings of respected to best adjust them of life imposed by the cnc, they are open to life, this is how my small s.ur C. to been put under way. Forgiveness my small C. you know that I like you very strong, but you would not certainly have been there if there had not been the cn, because dad and mom would be certainly already himself detached before what won't have been more badly in a sense (not that you are not there, but their divorce) one would not have lost as much time!.

Of part their role of persons responsible, my parents didn't also inherit therefore the role of cathéchistes pregnant mom pain to chained national convivence (to spa 85) and preparation and convivence of gives back it and met to prepare and to give the cathéchèse, without not going to the celebrations of the speech nor the Eucharist, nor to work the guitar. What had to arrive arrived: preparations to excessiveness + cathéchèses + convivence + family already numerous = overworking. She/it met at the hospital with his/her/its life and the life of my small s.ur C. in danger. Do you believe that we had help by the brothers of the cn? Certainly not! So mom was at the hospital, it is that necessarily she didn't have the faith. C. is born in good health, and mom is always in life. Ouf.

C. is born end January 1986 and mid February there been the shema, and next came the I mess up you in public forgive me in public you see this that I want to say? Therefore the lover's fiancée to my mother to been taken for godmother (the baptism of C. ) taken place at the time of the paschal vigil of that year. The marriage of J. and M. also and my parents were chosen like witnesses.

There been 3 seasons of cathèchèses again to strengthen the news 2 ème community before I enter myself in the.

In the promenade that will follow, I will tell you my experience as s.ur and will pursue the one of my mother (my father not being very regular).

Good I don't know if it is very discriminating to publish that in raw of décoffrage, because there I speak with my tripes, all is true, but I am cannot be very politically correct and I won't want that that finally goes against us I hope that you understood me: -) has Therefore there therefore still the first draft and we could work again it together, in a more conventional style.
I joined my family's part and they are ready to testify them also, so well on the site that to the close to the unadfi and the ccmm. I have again to join my sister Anne-Sophie and my mother.
Of course I have been manipulated mentally, of course I felt it, I will even say that I have been conditioned, there is more words, the terms, the gestures, the behaviors that I kept in spite of me of the path.
I tell "us" again whereas that makes 10 years this year that I left them.
Let's come back in short to our sheep.
I entered in of part what I thought my will in the path at the age of 12 years and half (October 87), it was exceptional enough seen my young age, it is even this dear Julian to fact what it was necessary so that I go back to this age. I followed the cathéchèses as the adults, to the same rhythm and with the same obligations. I was part of the first of the 3 ème community thus. It was a tiny community, we were 8 the days where we were numerous! She/it was essentially constituted of youngsters, there were not any couples to this time the to take the role of person responsible or responsible co, I don't know more besides that to been elected in that time, I believe that they didn't remain there well a long time. Very quickly, he/it has to remain he that 2-3 active members (I understood) therefore one hit itself the prépa and the celebrations of the speech the whole time, and in alternation with the first and the 2 ème community for the eucharistie for reasons of lack of priest, of lack of local and economic. What there is nevertheless of paradoxical the in, it is that just before I enter to the community, I didn't have the right to stay up later than 20h30, except the evenings of eucharistie, but after, that I bring a preparation that at midnight in didn't shock absolutely. It was normal! :s
I have been elected coresponsable(mai 88) of my community to the convivence that to enclosed the cathéchèse that to follow-up (that I fixed up myself) He/it seems me besides that it is that year that the children of the members of the cnc of Cernay came to enlarge the ranks. I was 13 years old then. Did I link the 2 months of intense preparation and as the few of adults that composed the community (always of the young) had some obligations (me also by the way I had some obligations, school certainly, but just as important to my level) did I hit myself a good part of the preparations of the celebrations regularly, but in more the manufacture of bread (was I the only one to have an oven?!) and the preparation of the room. Same diagram in October 88, but there I was in class of 4 ème and my school results that were not very fabulous became catastrophic. Certainly, I was not more very minded to work my lessons, but how want yourselves again to have the energy to make your duties when you are outside 6 soirs/semaines and that in addition to it it is necessary for you to take of the time to prepare the monitions and the P.U. To least to take the ecstasy, me I don't see! I didn't have anymore either the strength to think by myself nor even the idea that I could stop. You think well also that he/it was hard to me to have some friends to the level of the school. Already I was completely different from the other, I didn't speak similar, I didn't dress similar either (not of skirt that discovered the knee, not of tight-fitting clothes, not of quick colors) and I was disconnected completely of the musical actuality since my parents had applied censorship when they saw the clip of guesh patti (etienne) to the bip 50. And music was maybe again the only thing that could connect me to the young of the world. But music awakens the senses (the sexual desire) and as the music that passes to the radio is not a music that makes enter the prayer, exit.
It is that year as or I attended my first national convivence as youngster. It was at Fishpond in Drôme, in a monastery he/it seems me, finally in a place of the clergy by all ways. It is that year that the recipe of bread to been changed. As I was responsible co, I have been invited to listen to the cathéchèse that came with this change of recipe and drawing. It is also that year that in addition to the collection to pay for the expenses of the convivence, him to been necessary to raquer in more for the famous seminary (and a cathéchèse in more to the hammer piqueur: you hurt to find some priests to assure the celebrations made in cnc, we have THE solution, open your door leafs and you will have a priest raised to the grain cnc aoc, and can be even that it is your son or your brother whom there will enter, help this in your community, to the communities from all over the world).
It is in that period that my critical sense began to function (one is going to say that I didn't have some before since I was only one youngster). I began to see the reality, the rivalries between the persons responsible, the communities, the pull in the paws, the research of power, the hypocrisy.
As I was responsible I prepared the convivence of gives back it. As by chance, as I was only one child, bein I didn't have the right to make gives back it with regard to the national convivence herself. But was necessary nevertheless that I attend the preparation. When arrived to that will give back the cathéchèse of bread, I claimed it. Merde then, too kid to give back the convivence, but quite mature to hit me the more part of the replacements when these ladies and gentlemen the adults, failed to show up. There were grindings of teeth, but I have nevertheless imposed my viewpoint and I could give back that cathéchèse. At the time of this convivence of gives back there, there was a passage of bag trash can for the collection that served to cover the expenses of lodging. Queerly, it was necessary to exhort the brothers so that they give a few more, it was necessary to make 3 passages of bag to have the necessary sum finally. Then we linked with the sales folder of sale (I cannot say otherwise) for the seminary to construct. And there to the miracle 17 000 bullets left easily terrific!!! in sheaves. It is crazy that, they didn't have the money to pay for a part of the stay to their brothers of cn that they nearly see every day, but to buy itself/themselves a place to the paradise while financing a factory to vicars. That let me a funny taste in the throat.
I zap on the different seasons of cathéchèses that had again between time and that I have it to stuff me, I also zap on the pope's arrival in Strasbourg and in Mulhouse, because as I was nearly there, the brain washing intensive fashion didn't make itself feel indeed.
I would like to underline something important. The community of which I made part was therefore essentially constituted of youngsters (14-20 years) and quite a lot of boys, and of the teenage bein that doesn't move pain, then of course, the chairs were rushed a little at the time of the kiss of the peace, and the eucharistie was celebrated joint with the other comus of the parish (essentially constituted of adults near enough of the retirements and pensioner for the more part). One (the young) had the right to public remonstrances as soon as an opportunity presented itself and of the reflections by behinds to gogo. But on the other hand, the languages of vipers overlooked their jazettes completely during the kiss of the peace (ho you have a pretty dress, did you see the horror that door thing tonight? Pff you saw the other, even late!) that drools you in the back and that comes to make you the smiles honeyed and compassionate and a big accolade to the peace. Humph humph. To arrange the room, always the same, queerly as soon as the eucharistie finished itself, that vanished outside, as if the chairs got all alone in place and the carpets didn't roll up themselves by me know what miracle. the miracle of the faith probably? lol.
In brief, quite a lot of dissensions made themselves feel between the 1ere and the 3 ème (can be become at the time 2 ème, there were fusions so refused... ) and a war of the buttons had begun between "the young" and "the old." And that lasted a sacred tip of time.
Bad came the national convivence to saint nabord (67) (1989) being always co, I attended there, all was well quiet until has that that arrives the moment of the sharing to the eucharistie..... I don't remember what apostle anymore had written this gospel, but that evening he/it was question of the place held at the time of the meal, that the dogs would have the crumbs (would be necessary that I recover it) and there, I felt strongly challenged. And as soon as the moment of the sharing to been announced, I rose, of entire Mulhouse damns to the big (knowing of what I was capable). And therefore, small flea of 14 years, me I am not disassembled, I went to the micro and I began to speak. It is a very strong moment of my life, and I can tell you that I remember every words that I used.
Here is what I told that moment :
" Tonight I have been touched by the gospel. I quite feel instead dogs. Why? Already, I am a girl, not of bowl for me, my future for me in the path amounts to be only a stomach. An incubator to Christian. It is not already pain handicapping that. I see anything of rejoicing in that perspective. It is not maybe my choice, I know anything, me, of it I am young. But good visibly, I don't have a choice, I eat greedily the rests and I must close it to me. And then also I am young. Yes that I already told it. But know - you what it is to be young in Mulhouse (talking cnc of course) it hit itself/themselves a max of prépa of celebrations, a max of prépa and ranging of room, and make itself/themselves catch by his/her/its parents because a well-intentioned sister of their community (old of course) to drool on me by behind because I hung up a chair while raising me a little quickly, or a brother because one to fact a little noise the other evening after our celebration of the speech on the other hand this same people are hit of amnesia as for their worldly chats during the kiss of the peace. Then I know not too much what to do. Seen the examples that I have, if it is that to be adult in the path, I don't know if that is worth the stroke to eat some crumbs. " 
And I went well wisely me rassoire. It was what the gospel had inspired to me, what it had told to me, what had hit me to this instant. Mulhouse made itself all small in his/her/its ranks, I wonder reason well.
The celebration of the speech that followed (in Mulhouse) to had a special enough taste. Usually, between a national convivence and a gives back one draws in the evening by lot same the texts of the celebration of the speech as having invoked the holy mind beforehand. And there as by magic (hahem, I saw Mr. F. to look for the texts!!!) the texts that came out again were all of the texts on the respect of the youngest backs their eldests (your father and your mother you will honor between other). And the sharing immediately learned a pace of inquisitive court. I have been put to the pillory, but I am not deflated for as much. Did I have lacked respect? But me I had what I had learned by them applied only. They tell themselves francs and near has accept the truth, but this was not the case of it. That is not always besides. In short how then me to respect them since my eldests judicious beings my equals (oups can be that I write it badly) didn't make it. And taken a text that said that the young would be the stick of their old age, and that we had to carry them (I confess that after my departure of the cnc I zapped everything that could be closely religious completely or from afar, I kept in my memory that quoted it historic) and I retorted that ok, my ascendants(je didn't really speak of my parents) had fed me, wiped, washed, but arrived how once to a very advanced age they had interest to not too to have inflated the fundamental grrrr because otherwise ct in their piss that they would remain (finally ct the idea, but I don't believe to have used of the terms as raw). The ambiance was rather stretched and it is not in the serenity that took place the convivence of gives back that followed.
And by a tour of pass passes supplementary, I have not been reelected co am not pitied of it to me either;), but on the other hand my telephone always rang when it was necessary to replace qq'un to the foot rising. But good, I have been judged like dangerous. Already by my vivacity worst as ho misfortune for their son, because I was, and I am it always pretty lol. Pretty, 15 years, in convivence with young boys of my age... bein I made a mistake lol, I flirted.
And then, at the time of a conversation nothing more banal with a sister of community, my mother released in spite of her that I was under contraceptive pill to see if that not finally went to adjust my ti pb of acne and my painful rules. Misfortune took of it to him. 15 years, pretty that flirtation, under pill, necessarily she/it lies down!!!! Bein necessarily by dint of surprising the sighs, of the scraps of conversations to my topic and the shrugs, bein me I am said so much that to be judged and to be been about the sort, as much to make him and junk, and it is even good in more!!!!!
I attracted many time the scandal, had the times or voluntary ct there (higher paragraphs) but had there of times he/it was not sufficient to me to be only a teenager who endeavored to be normal (therefore in the world) to attract me the thunderbolts I made myself carry up several times soon soon suspenders by Julian in public at my parents, soon between 4 eyes. It is not that I was masochistic, but I didn't support the lie in which I lived anymore and where I was obliged subtly to live. When had the things that made me pull a face there I could not stop from saying it. The solution of easiness would have been to go in the mold, but that was impossible to me. I could not prevent myself of it.
And every time a layer of varnish of the c flaked, the sad merde that appeared underneath made me awfully sad.
Good neighbor episode the pilgrimage to Holy jacques of Compostelle. With a scoop. A miracle occurred of it, but to know it to read the Romance neighbor will be necessary ;-)
Excuse me, I sometimes slip of the sentences of a doubtful humor, but if I don't make it, I will be able to write anything through the tears.
In a friendly way

10 days non stop cnc or the hell toward Compostelle

I was 15 years old therefore when in 1989 the Pope came TO Jacques st of Compostelle for JMJ. We left by bus since Strasbourg, Good there it was enough soft, since there was not cathéchistes mandated in our bus. At least I had the peace more or less until bets. Arrived to bets, one to all summertime gathered to Honored Holy of eylau (I don't know how that writes itself) for the stroke of consignments of a long set of cathéchèse. After this first preview of brain washing, direction the apartment of the 16 ème at the brothers at whom I was sheltered.

I was awake to the dawns to join my bus. Official departure since the tower st jacques to bets. the replenishment of the buses to been made according to or we were some in our progress and no by our geographical source.

There All passed there: the laudes, the catéchèses, the songs, the cathéchèses songs cathéchèses. If one among us began to doze for him was asked the snorer's neighbor to wake it up, if one fell on a compassionate neighbor, very quickly a cathéchiste came to wake the lazy brother up, and the 2 young made themselves lecture maliciously. Be maybe them not worthy to get on this bus and to see the holy father, sure that they didn't have enough faith since they listened to their body instead of listening to the divine message that applied to them!

For me it was a real hell that period. even though the bus was equipped with toilets, it was prohibited us from serving of it to us (knows one ever, of times that comings and goings toward the toilets are an excuse for our steps to listen and a source of distraction).

the bus only stopped to make the full and had interest there to make quickly to be going to relieve his/her/its natural needs because there were all others drank cnc that was stopped and a long tail to the toilets. it was in general also the moment for us to restore us.

The more piece of the meals during the period drank were pikes snooks took the locker of the bus, rationed and same not good. It was not the stomach overflow that we regained our places. In any case the man's food is not essential since there is the floor of the Lord to satiate us :-/

the first evening we not always had the right in a true bed anything that for oneself since we slept in a formulates 1 close to the border that to follow-up. We have finally rest us.

small dej to the dawns, and livestock has regain the buses and rebelotte quickly for one day rhythmized by amen and the hallelujah without any intimacy and or even our most natural needs were not respect. That night sleep in the bus, and the toilet passed to the pitfall. He/it seems me that it is that day that I could not long enough keep myself to make pee. In spite of my insistent and repeated demands I could arrive never to the toilets has time, I made pee rightly in my panties before the door of the toilets. Unfortunately for me it was necessary to ask the cathéchistes for the permission so that the driver can open the lockers (this measure was also taken to be able to filter everything that went in the bus, if a walkman was infiltrated it was confiscated automatically, so qq'un had personal food entered ex of the cakes, ct to throw presto at once to the next stop and that came with rough reprimands). so that I can make myself a small toilet and can take me of the clothes spare. The incident is not therefore past unobserved and turned a little later against me.

Indeed, my flight to fact the tour of the cathéchistes of the buses of france, and as by chance, at the time of one moment or the whole france cnc to been gathered in full air, him to been said that an accident of pee covers to had place already and that this sister had to not have the faith enough not to pass the demands of his/her/its body and to take in priority the demands of the Lord.

Again one night in a bus, again one day without can wash correctly (at the end of 2 days to this régime, the pauses pee became longer because we tried to make us a small toilet with the means of the side). The watches were not indeed the welcomes and very quickly him to been asked more or less gently to withdraw them because we had to not be slaves of the time.

Very quickly we don't have any reference mark, just the day and just the overnight. I was incapable to say at what time ended the last cathéchèse nor say at what time I had had my last pseudo meal. I don't know more even if I had 3 meals well per days 3x/jours. I have been exhausted completely by the rhythm infernal of the évènementses.

I don't know anymore either how much night I passed in this bus (that didn't have a berth) but I can tell you that the sleep was not really repairing to sleep foundation. The bags of beddings were not permitted because it was an opening of more than lockers, too important to be able to control what went in the cabin of the bus.

Because of the air-conditioning, I stole an angina, I complained several times of my fever and my sore throats, I have been examined by a sister of the path at the time of one pause meal and I saw myself making to eat, like that for all treatment, put back 3 lemons.

That had to be the following day evening that one arrived to the foot of the joy mount. We have to let it the buses there, to go up with our bags on the back, for a walk of me know how many kilometers more, but in any case that appeared me a sick eternity, at the end of strength. I walked without knowing how my legs made to carry me.

We slept under enormous military tents. It was just a stretched canvas on made of it to us. Wind didn't engulf itself of it us were at the shelters that of a possible rain.

I thought that arrived once to the gigantic camp I will have been able to at least to take a shower. But no. It was the soldiers who governed the places and for me don't know what reasons, the time to make his/her/its toilet was limited in the evening to 2h the morning and 2h. He/it was impossible to me to be able to wash me during the 3-4 days or we were the bottom. I was indeed dirty, I didn't support myself anymore.

Imagine a little, the mount of lajoie that was afforested 15 days again before, had been shaved completely, he/it remained only a naked hill, or the hundreds of thousands of people arrivals to cheer the pope raised an immense cloud of earth and dust. The heat the day was there stuffy and the sun hit strong. not only one corner of shade, therefore cream-colored solar obligatory archi not to meet burnt completely. Imagine a little a skin smeared of cream in a thick dustcloud. I had the dust glued until coins my clothes.

Still the cathèchèses and the pope's monitoring at a rhythm impossible. But good at least we could sleep the night in a position another one that seated, even though it was on a field of root and stones. The meals were always rationed and indeed to sheaf! But good there it was more too much the mistake of the cnc, it was the official meals of the jmj, of the rations of the Spanish army.

But the last day to the mount of joy to been marked of a miracle. A miracle that was not of the least. And this miracle I lived it Me, small girl of sinner!



And yes, it was a miracle for me lol, that made 7 years that I gnawed myself the nails, to make me to bleed skins of it, all tricks tempted by my mother didn't arrive at the end of that, but the scum in which I was if!

Several faith I wanted to run away me of that, but how to make in one, foreign country, without anything on me (not of personal money) and then what disappointment and what source of worries for my parents, bad. while one was on the mount of joy, I left with a young brother of Frevan(je don't know how that writes itself either) of my age. That was known, I made myself catch and bawled in beauty by the cathéchiste of my bus, then by Julian qq days later, and the speech to summer the same, what arrived is of your mistake, the young brother is innocent, you are only a pêcheresse, already that you fish like that that is serious, but in more you drag pure people with you in vice sulphurize girl. I have been threatened with being sent back at once home, but I didn't dare to say yes because I had too fear to make kill me by my father upon my return.

In short after the jmj, we came down again of the joy mount, always to feet with our clobber on the back. It was necessary to see the head of our driver of bus when he/it saw in what state one was!!! He/it simply refused that one gets on the bus with as much scum (he/it had taken advantage of this parenthesis to clean the bus in depth) and thanks to had ourselves to him of the bottles of water and lingettes to wash us to best that we were able to. And again one night in the bus.

The following day we arrived to Saragosse us had right to a truth good meal and us had the right to sleep each in a true bed. For my part, my place of lodging for that night was the American college, it was a pension with the comfort of a pension, but by what I had seen, I will have been in a 4 stars that was similar. I took a very very very very long shower that, I can assure it to you to summer very welcome for me and for good number.

The following day we had the right all day to a stuffing of skull by kiko himself, all young of the cnc of the world who were present have been equipped of earphones, and did we have a simultaneous translation of fact, for the French-speaking guess who made it? Julian well on! The stages and tribunes had gone up in full center city and it was in full air and under a sun of lead that we have been forced to monitoring. It is also that day that there was the call to the vocations. There was quite a lot of young that rose, but honestly I doubt that after such a régime, they made this choice with their really clear mind. Yes I think indeed that has that moment us were not more capable to think by us even. Besides I think that after rise before thousands of people, of the unknowns but also of the brothers that they coast every day, that must not be obvious to go in reverse and to withdraw. I am persuaded (but that only hires me) that a pressure on the near and on "defrocked" it if the one if recovered.

That day I made a stern sunstroke, I have been brought to the emergency station of the red cross by the young with that I had left (one asked me to break at once) and none of the adults that didn't have my responsibility worried about my state, nor didn't judge good to drive me to the hospital. Of it 'didn't have need of it since the Lord watches over the elected: - /!

I had the immense privilege that evening to be able to sleep in another bus that had him the option berth because I was not put back. The following day we could sleep in beds to the formulates 1 close to the Spanish border. And when finally we arrived in Paris, we had the right again to a maxi stuffing of skull to honored saint of eylau. When that to been finished us regained the bus from Strasbourg and went back in Alsace. I was indeed happy that it ends and I am sworn that more ever I will relive a similar thing because the next time I will let my skin there.

ha yes I forgot a thing, between 2 mobile cathéchèses, the cathéchistes took qq'un "at random" to make him a vote I will be called that of the mental torture. Therefore I met in the front of the bus to make confess me before everybody that I had left with a boy during the jmj and that it was really not well, they pushed very vice to want to make confess me that I had had some sexual intercourse, in general it was not the brothers obvious to canalize and to control that underwent this kind of public humiliation.

Next promenade

The first passage

Good blood that that kills lol I make a small breack and I get back there


Continuation and end I think what concerns me. Forgiveness for the mistakes.

After the jmj to Holy jacques, I decided to take my distances mildly of the path. Dad didn't go there more of the all apologizing by his/her/its long illness. Mom began to realize also little by little of the menteries that were related to him and the bloodsucking turn that that took (they happened to from it to the second vote but that took itself in several times because their community was not worthy enough), then mom didn't oppose what I go to the rink with people of my age, sleeps at a girlfriend, have activities of my age and that I take a little lack of concern as much as I will have been able in to have again. ( I can tell you that to have the load of his/her/its brother and his/her/its s.urs while his/her/its parents speed up in the path that removes the possibility of lack of concern and graft of adult's responsibilities to a pitchounette that was more at his/her/its place to play the barbie that to be responsible for his/her/its similar fratrie for my responsibilities in the path).

Therefore, I started with going less to the Eucharists, then less to the celebrations of the speech as when I went back in 3 ème. I stopped of the mid-May to there my bepc to dedicate me to my revisions (therefore rink as suspended) and there I made myself bawl by my person responsible because I refused to go to a convivence stays up it of the beginning of the tests. Bein yes why want to succeed an exam, since in any case I am a girl. In the future my only task will be to find me a husband to maintain" me" (god or a man of the cnc) and to lay assembly-line children. And then if I don't find husband and that I find the too coercive contemplative life, I always have the option to become roving cathéchiste and to live to the hook of the other!

Then I went back in second to prepare a bep, I continued to go to the celebrations, but as more assiduously as in the past, I took little by little a gentile existence, with a love, to listen to Christian and same music to pay me for the luxury to go to concerts. I will be able to say on one hand that the concerts saved me life. Has the same joy and the same exaltation there that in a celebration or a convivence, but that lasts 2h and next stops and one doesn't ask you for any engagement, no conduct to hold and no one forces you to go there or not, you there to be going to find the pleasure and you there there to loosen :-)

Therefore, I was not pain less committed and less active, but always a few present. It is in February 1990 that I arrived to the first passage. But there I knew that I didn't want the all to continue anymore. I knew that the question would be asked if one wanted to continue or not, and that we would be free to go of it to us. After 4 days of intensive stuffing, because the first passage begins Thursday evening. one makes us say our cross. Me, mine it was a thing boat lol a thing that everybody knew that didn't wet me too much and in any case it was well my cross in that time: MY FATHER, a paranoiac alcoholic violent being and tyranique. And my vice, because one must also say by what one fishes, bein I told it, since everybody accused me of having a depraved sexuality (finally to be normal, to have a small buddy and to make itself/themselves of the cuddly what!) Bein yes is necessary that I have a love, I cannot prevent myself of it, I like to be in love, I like to like and I like that one likes me. Useless to tell you that one worked away at my case with a pleasure without name.

Then good arrives the last "pool" or one asks us therefore if one wants to remain or not. A young man "had the cheek" to say: "bein it was well for one time, but me I didn't find anything in the for me, I stop" During one incredible time him to undergoes an uninterrupted harassment of Julian and Danièle, a good part of the after noon they slaughtered it verbally and morally even going as far as accusing it of betraying his/her/its family and his/her/its parents (them also in the path), the young man didn't have anything else anymore to make that to give up his/her/its free will and to say yes that he continues.

When arrived my tower, me I am told that to tell them the truth that won't serve to anything and that remained me only one thing only to make to save my skin: to be hypocritical and their servire for which they waited.

" ho yes yes I am a big pêcheresse, I need the Lord to heal me and there is only in the path that I can improve and become better" But in my head and in my c.ur it was another speech that reasoned.

Do you know that one notes your name and your first name to the pencil of paper in the Bible of your community and that one explains you that if you don't arrive to the second passage one will erase you and will you be lost forever?

My name to the being to erase since. I don't feel lost for as much.

After the first passage, I returned maybe then to 2-3 celebrations more of the all. Not against, I had qq contacts nevertheless with my ex brothers because I have been asked to make the baby siting but ever one didn't drum to me so that I come back in their world so perfect. Is necessary to say that I have been stamped of not advisable" the label." Ok they used me to wipe their children, and me I used their coins for forbidden things to words covered by the path. It was not q'un just return of the things.

Now it happens again to me to cross ex-brothers of community because I don't live very far from the parish where they are implanted. No one notices to speak to me, no one turns the head, one changes sidewalk. But that is not hurt in anything lol. I know that I am flees as the pestilence and I are going to give you the reasons of it :

- I had sexual relations before the marriage
- I got married with a man out of the path and same not to the church (therefore it is as if I was not married)
- I left my husband very quickly for reasons engraves and for other reason my divorce is pronounced again only since this me here

- a short time I met a man with whom I moved in and with that I have 3 marvelous children.

Return yourselves account lol I was married during 9 years and on these 9 years, that makes 7 years that I live with my mate (lover) with that I made some small illegitimate children (I have the echo of it) and the cherry on the cake 2 of my children risks the limbs because they are not baptized (and yes! I gave up for the first, I was not again enough too young on me to oppose me to that).

Then good as I left light and that I take pleasure in the lust and him fished it is not necessary to frequent me absolutely.

Has the things that come back to me there but that I don't manage to replace chronologically, but I remember a convivence one Sunday or it was our cathéchiste (the persons responsible and co of the 1st community of which my mother) I have been taken of tachycardia and F. one of the cathéchiste doesn't have processed my state and it is fierce against me for me don't know what futile and insane thing anymore I have been judged badly because I asked for a seat transat that suited my state more. I believed that I was going to die that day. Mom to set end to the slaughter and to summer me stretched out in the car.

And there is a constant then to observe in every convivence.

In general it is in a place far from all, or the comfort is indeed summary and the meals are éc.urants and frugal. One ever knows of times that one finds comfort in the grub!!! Nan is necessary to not to live to eat, but to eat to live humph.

In any case, I observed a thing nevertheless every jmj and convivence that gather the young are a real bread blessed for the seita: 80% of the young come back from it while smoking! How their in vouloirs, the maxi cathéchistes smokes as firemen!


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